The difference between living and getting through

Getting through is an achievement. During a hard period it is the correct strategy: reduce everything to essentials, stop feeling too much, move forward in short steps.

The complication is that it works. And a strategy that works is rarely retired on schedule.

Coping outlives its emergency

Years later the crisis is over and the settings are unchanged. Still efficient. Still braced. Still slightly unavailable in your own life, waiting for the next thing.

Nobody points it out, because from the outside it reads as being capable.

The signs are small

Pleasure feels faintly like a waste of time. Plans further out than a few weeks feel presumptuous. You are relieved when things are cancelled. You have not been surprised by anything in a long while.

Coming back is undramatic

It is not a breakthrough. It is putting something in the calendar that has no purpose. Saying yes to one thing that might be a mistake. Wanting something small out loud, in front of someone.

It feels absurdly minor, and slightly exposing, which is how you know it is the right size to start.